Again, don't go out with a dude you give your number to drunk

I've had three bad dates since August that I have been meaning to update with... but as always, life got the best of me.

Which one to tell first...

OK a few weeks ago my friend had a party. The party moved to the bar, and then another bar. The problem is, I don't even remember leaving the first bar. I thought it was incredibly smart that day to only eat 3 scrambled eggs, go shopping for 4 hours, then drink a bottle of champagne and 3 rum and cokes.

Needless to say, I don't remember the third bar.

The next day my friend asked if I had gone home with this guy "Trip". I was like who the fuck is that?! Apparently her friend had seen us talking for a bit. I had no idea who this kid was and I was pretty sure I didn't go home with him since I woke up in my bed, alone (whew).

Then, two days later I got a text. "Hey its Trip. I met you at (insert bar name here). (insert address here). do you want to grab a drink sometime?" I went back to my friend and I told her I guess I not only talked to him, I gave him my number and for some reason he thinks by saying where he lives I should be remembering him. Beyond confused at this point, I asked my friend if he was even remotely attractive and if I should go out with him. She said sure!

I reply and we decide to meet up later that Friday night. By the time he had gotten a hold of me it was like, 11pm, oh and I was kinda drunk. I ask him to meet me outside because honestly, I have no idea what he looks like and I know I wouldn't be able to pick him out of a bar full of people. I was right, I saw him and still had no idea who he was.

I continued to get wasted. The next thing I know I am at his house with some of his friends. He tried to tell me what drunk moments I had when we met (I told him I was blackout drunk and I had no idea who he is really). Apparently we shared a cab home. Who knew! Not only that, he tried to take me to his place (hence the address in his text) and I firmly said NO then slapped him in the face.

I figure if a dude wants to hang out with a crazy drunk who slaps them in the face 30 minutes after meeting them, they must be a keeper.

One thing led to another and I wake up in his bed and leave at 8am. Ok let's fast forward though my youthful indiscretion...

I text him a few days later asking him if he wants to hang out. I mean, I didn't even really like him, but I kinda was starting to feel like a $2 ho.

SEVEN DAYS LATER, he replies.

His reply?

"sorry for the late response. I thought i was going away but i didn't. not up to much. maybe get a drink later this week?"

OK.
Stop.

Dude, you REALLY just told me that
a) you thought you were going away, but you didn't, so you were home and able to text that entire time
b) not only did you not go away, YOU DID NOTHING ALL WEEK BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T GO AWAY.
c) are you fucking kidding me?!

I was so livid. I thought about waiting a few months and being like "oh sorry I thought I was moving, but didn't. Lets never hang out" but I realize that's crazy and proving that it bothered me. Really, it bothered me for like 2 weeks but now I'm just laughing.

It would have never worked anyway. Now instead I can just tell another tale of why you shouldn't date dudes you meet when you are drunk.

From a boy's point of view...

A friend of mine (who i actually met through an internet dating site, OH MY!) has recently delved into the whole dating world. He is out to prove, its not just girls that have shit for luck. And, in this case, ok fine its true.


Consider this proof that it isn't any easier for a guy to find someone worth dating.

So I got a message on okcupid, the girl looked really hot in her pictures, and we had a lot in common. In her third message to me, she asked me to hang out and gave me her phone number. This struck me as odd, because this was only 3 messages in, and all 3 messages took place in the same afternoon. I figured what the hell, and called her up.

Now this chick was latina, which was cool, but talking to her on the phone I could tell there was gonna be a problem. Her accent was heavy and I got the feeling like she didn't know how to speak en ingles. The phone conversation wasn't THAT bad though, or at least that's what I was willing to convince myself.

The date was scheduled for a few days later. I went into the city and waited at a bar...she was going to come meet me after she got out of work.

Let me just say, from the second she walked into the bar I knew I was screwed. She walked in and I knew I wasn't attracted to her, but I figured what the hell. Then she sat down and opened her mouth....GOD THE HORROR. I'm really not that picky (I promise), but her teeth were dark brown and pointing in several different directions. And her breath was funky.

Not that she said anything. She didn't really talk or drink, so we sat there while I drank 2 or 3 beers. I wanted to leave. I wanted to go to the bathroom and climb out a window. But I stayed. Then we left the bar and she suggested we get sushi. I agreed. Why did I agree...???? Argh.

So we walk to this sushi bar and again, I'm doing all the talking. She's really awkward and doesn't seem into me. I don't seem into her. Still, we're going through the motions. We eat a couple of sushi rolls and exit. I start the whole "Well, it's getting late routine (even though it was only about 9pm)" and she again insists we do something else.

We end up at another bar. I'm drinking. I'm talking. She's sitting there. Saying nothing. Drinking nothing. Still with the foul breath when she does talk. Oh god. Oh god. Help me.

Finally we leave this bar and at this point it's raining. She has to get to the train. The station is 5 blocks in the opposite direction from where my car is. She says "you don't have to walk me if you don't want." I say ok, have a good night, go in for an awkward hug, SHE DOESN'T HUG BACK. Awesome.

Two blocks later, I get a text: "Hey I thought things were going really well but I guess you just weren't that into me. Have a nice life"

What the fuck? Did she really think that was a good date? And why did I stay that long? I need to learn to be more of a dick. The date was like FIVE HOURS and cost me $80+.

When will I ever learn?

Young bucks.

It has been a while since I updated. Mainly do to lazy summer days, then stressful summer days. I'm exhausted, but can't sleep, so here I am!

I think I've mentioned it in posts before, but I am a self admitted agest. I don't like younger guys for a laundry list of reasons, and never gave them a chance. Well, after talking to some of my friends who had gone on dates with younger guys, I decided to try it out. After all, my friends were having pretty OK luck, I should too right?

I turned 26 this summer, which I'm fine with. To start my experiment into the younger guy world, I figured that 23 wouldn't be too terrible.

I started talking to "Jack" and we got along pretty well online. I was talking to him online, blabbering about how bored I was and wanted to go for a drink but all my friends were being lame. He suggested we meet up for a drink so I was like ok sure. A short 20 minutes later I showed up, basically putting forth zero effort into getting ready. Alright, so maybe I was already trying to sabotage my own experiment by looking kinda like a slob, but how about we put that to the side for now...
I think that both Jack and I went in thinking 'this is probably going to be pretty lame, but since I have nothing else to do, might as well' and then in the end we were both pleasantly surprised. Granted it was like 8 beers later, we both admitted to each other we were expecting either horribleness or just pals. He was surprisingly mature for his age, very smart, and pretty fun. Once the bar closed we went back to my place for a bit. After a few hours of making out I realized maybe I liked him? Just maybe...
Fast forward a few days. At this point I realized I could really care less if we hung out again or not. I talked to him and he went on about this long elaborate story of what was going on in his life as of late. I do not doubt the fact that all of it was true, but in the end it was really just him saying in so many words, I doubt I'll have time to see you again this month, or probably ever again. At first I was thankful for the round about brush off, at least I wouldn't feel slighted. Then I realized what was a big pile of bullshit.

Before hanging out I knew he was seeing someone else. Which maybe was why when we hung out I wasn't expecting anything. The bottom line is, my guess is that while he has this that and the other going on, it wasn't so much all of that, but the fact that the other girl he was seeing he liked better. I appreciate him ( I suppose) trying to protect (maybe) my feelings, but I can't help but think he is a total coward!

I think I am just way too logical to date. I've told a guy or two or more, no I cannot go on another date with you. Why? I was seeing someone else when we went out and things are getting more serious. You are a great guy though, so good luck. Simple as that. I just wish that people would stop sugar coating things. You met someone else? Great! Just let me know and don't go through all this effort trying to make it seem like something else. Stop blaming everything else about your life other than the obvious on the reason we will not go on another date. I just have little patience for this kind of thing anymore.

In the end, I really would have liked to stay friends with him, because he is kind of awesome. I have a feeling that whole night of making out for hours might get in the way of that though. Might just be a bit too awkward for him to handle. I could care less, but as mentioned before I can sometimes be a bit too whatever about those things.

After the experience with Jack, I decided I needed another trial, just to make sure I was right all along.

I went out with another 23 year old a week or two later. Kip was a total bro type of guy, not my normal type, but I am all about branching out. We meet up and it was another blazing hot day. I was praying the air conditioning would be on full blast when we got to our destination. The date was pretty ok, nothing so fantastic I went home blabbing to my gal pals. I liked him though, normalcy and all. He was the type of guy you bring home to the parents. We get to the end of the date, and there I was paying for myself. Oh I failed to mention, Jack also didn't pay for me. I guess I am starting to see a trend?
Side note: let me clarify I'm not some bitch that expects her boyfriend to pay for her all the time. I do think that on the first date you should though. I went a solid 4 years of never ever having my dates pay for me, then when a few of them started to and I realized that was pretty normal, I just don't want to go back to those days haha.

Back to the subject. Kip said he had fun and I should call him when I got back from my trip. There are a number of things I am a bit weary about when it comes to Kip. I caught him in a pretty stupid lie that just was so stupid I didn't understand why ANYONE would bother lying about it.
I got back and I have yet to call. I would say it was an OK first date. Normally I would be like 'hell no I am so not calling', but almost a year ago I told myself I need at least two dates to really figure out if I like this person or not. I really think you know on the first date, but the second date is just really confirming you do not like that person. I thought that until last November I went reluctantly on a second date. The second date was light years better than the first, so I have tried doing that ever since. Too bad it hasn't happened again since then! I have gone on plenty of second dates that have just reaffirmed I am not really that into them in that way. I think back to this guy I went out with right after Christmas. After the first date I knew it was not a romantic connection. After the second date I wanted to barf at the thought of even holding his hand, but smiled when I thought of what great pals we could be! The third hang out I called him my new friend when introducing him to my friends and watched his face crumble. I felt terrible. I told him we should be friends and I think we had a great friend connection. After telling him this he promptly stopped talking to me. Oh well. Have fun making no new friends!

I realized I needed a third and final young buck to put the nail in the coffin. This third one (who really was the very first, long story) is actually really fun. We are going out again soon. I already told him I like hanging out with him, but I never want to date him. His response? I'm going to make you want to date me. Hmm. Really, I'm just incredibly attracted to him and would like to have him as eye candy for a while. Evil? Perhaps, but he knows all this. I told him flat out a few times, stop paying for me, this isn't a date. I just think you're funny and hot so lets be friends that maybe kiss every once and a while. He is the exact opposite of what I am looking for. I can't wait till this blows up in my face. Rest assure, it will end up here. I think right now a casual once a month date is what I need more than a boyfriend.

I guess that is enough ranting and raving for the time being. Wow, that was tiring. Ha!

The two schools of thought...

It finally feels like summer. While I would love to do summer things with a boy and plan cute dates, right now my switch is set to single mode. Nothing blog worthy as of late... but I was having an interesting conversation not too long ago.

I was asking some friends if they thought this guy liked me (yes I know, so 5th grade) and basically getting advice. I couldn't tell if he just thought of me as a friend or maybe had an interest. That conversation then lead to me saying, well, I'm not sure I even really sure I like him. Now this leads to the two schools of thought.

Friend A was like, if it wasn't there right off the bat, it never will be. She is married and said the first time she hung out with her husband that she knew that they would be together for a very long time, even though she had a boyfriend at the time.

Friend B thought that great relationships could grow out of friendship. Maybe it isn't obvious at first but one day you just realize, hey, I think I like them. Maybe we should date.

I looked at what I have been through in the past, and I have to go with friend A. I used to be if I didn't go home gaga over a the date, I wouldn't go on a second one. Those are the dates I want again. The ones where you go home and you just can't wait to wake up to relive the night over in your mind for already the 50th time. Anything less just seems pointless.

As for the whole friends developing into something, just no. I have quite a few friends that I started hanging out with because I had a huge crush on them. Then one day, that switch flipped. I all of a sudden didn't give a shit they didn't like me. The funny thing is, once a past crush actually started to like me. Problem: that switch had been flipped. I couldn't go back to liking them. They almost repulsed me at this point (when thinking of them in that nature).

All I am trying to say is I guess, I am just waiting for that head over heels first date. When I find that, I'll stop the madness that has ensued the past few months.

Madness that hasn't been blog worthy, yet.

I love weird occupations.

I had a flashback today of my drunk days.

Once I was at a club and I found a dude half way through the night I found a pretty cute boy to dance with. A little bit later I found myself making out with said stranger for ... a few hours... in the corner of a dark club. Sexy!

We emerge from the club around 2:30am. I get into the "day light" aka street lap light and I was like wait... this dude is kind of gross...

We go to get some food at a local diner so he can sober up to drive home (smart). We go to a diner and I realize, wow he kind of looks like a caveman. For me to realize this drunk should say enough, because I basically have negative standards when intoxicated.

I ask him what he does. He replies- I make marching band uniforms.

What?!

Yes, he worked at a manufacturing company that makes marching band uniforms. He drove back to wherever he came form that night and never saw him again. I do have the bragging rights though of making out with a dude that made many a high schoolers complete dorks.

Expanding this lil operation...

In addition to horrible dates/ funny dates I think I want to just vent about some of the REALLY stupid things boys do to ruin dates.

I'd like to start with a horrifying moment I had recently on a date. I'm just going to have to just blurt out and say it.

Meant in what I am sure was a flirtations way, dude pinched my muffin top (or spare tire, whichever you like).

Who knows if the guy realized he was essentially pinching the one area of my body most girls hate, especially me, and digging his fingers into my fat roll. THANKS DUDE, I only spent 45 minutes picking out a shirt that strategically hid my muffin top. You basically just ruined all of my progress.

I told 2 of my friends about this. One completely understood that it is NEVER ok to touch a girl in that area, while the other one didn't see the big deal. While every girl is different, I personally am not 100% happy about my weight and the last thing I want is a dude point out my problem areas!

The following went through my head:
Was he just thinking I'm a lot fatter than I look?
Was he so grossed out that he kind of had more skin to pinch than maybe he thought?
Did he even realize what he was doing??

I went to a trusted guy friend to ask his advice. He has been in a relationship for a long time and is getting hitched in a few weeks. He said he would never do that, but if he ever did he wouldn't be thinking OMG FAT! He did warn me however, his single guy friends would. Basically, it could go either way.

It doesn't matter in the end because I was so horrified by this seemingly innocent gesture of flirtation I just wanted to run and never turn back. I went to go flip out (natural reaction) but when I turned around he had gone to run across the street to pet some dogs. Cool.

Lesson be learned: wait at least until you have been dating like, um, 40 years before you try that stunt again.

Watching grass grow would have been way more fun

In the past few days I have been on a dating spree! Well, it was only a matter of time before I had a truly terrible date.

I will put forth this disclaimer: I feel really terrible for even retelling this story because he seems like a very nice boy...but it is too good to not talk about! I'm even leaving out some details, because really I don't feel like being a huge bitch today, just a medium sized one.

I decided it was a smart idea to go out with this bartender. He has greater aspirations in life but you know that whole economy tanking thing put a kink into that plan. Let's call this one Harry. To my luck Harry couldn't meet till later in the night, which meant I could go out with my friends before hand. I met up with my friends at a bar close to the one I was meeting him at and had a few beers. I felt a little bit looser, which is good I guess. I go to the bar at our time and sit alone drinking while I wait for him to come. I glance out the window and I see this incredibly awkward guy trying to get stuff out of his bag. I think to myself "aw poor guy". Then I see him walk into the bar, and to my horror that kid I just felt pity upon was my date.

I slink a little lower into my seat. my mind races, how the hell do I get out of this one. I figured there was no polite way out and I was stuck. He eventually finds me practically hiding under the bar. It was kinda not what I expected at all. Ok I will give him the fact that he didn't lie about his height! Thankfully... but that didn't compensate for the horrid haircut and - um- how do I put this delicately- not so hot complexion? Being the eternal optimist that I am, I think to myself, all completely fixable.

What wasn't fixable was his personality. That night I found my napkin more entertaining. I tried really hard to focus on what he was saying. Maybe it was the 2 beers I had before he came that made me want to be entertained more so than usual..but I think not.
For the first time in my life I found myself thinking about how bored I was. I noticed how his mouth was moving but I wasn't registering a damn thing. I thought, hm I wonder if he notices the completely blank stare at my face. If he does, I wonder how long it will be till he stops. When I wasn't busy having a one sided conversation he was busy talking to a pal that happened to be there. I just kinda sat that awkwardly smiling pretending like I could hear what the hell they were saying.
As the night wore on and I counted down the seconds till it was ok for me to bolt, a dashing guy wandered into the bar. I'm not one to really date pretty boys, but boy he was pretty! Then, he comes up to me! He asks me if he could have some of my food. I was like oh its not mine, its his. At this point he noticed Ii wasn't sitting there alone and he asked Harry if it was ok to take it. Harry was like yeah sure! Dreamboat laughed, looked at me, looked at him and asked if I was his date. At this point Harry adamantly denied and we were just friends (whew, but at the same time, hey!). Dreamboat then told me I had gorgeous eyes, and me being stuck in a weird spot just giggled and said thanks. Dreamboat then left, after not only stealing Harry's food, but attempting to steal his date. I cursed my situation for the next 15 minutes in my head. I'm not sure if Harry even spoke during that time. Finally it was ok for me to leave without being a bitch and I bolted faster than a dog chasing a squirrel.

I went home and deleted my online dating profile. I'm done! Not out of stories quite yet though...

Sometimes you should just say no

There are many things in this world that can prevent a date. However, most you can see will stop a date and you should PROBABLY let your date know about said thing.

Tonight was attempted first date #2 with the guy who I posted about in the last post. I guess I should give him a name. I forget what letter I am on so I'm just going to go with Frank.

Last night Frank was telling me about his car acting weird. I of course am like yeah ok whatever. We made plans to go out tonight. I get a text message in the morning saying he has to go to get his car fixed, can we hang out earlier? No, I can't, let me know if you need to reschedule.

The time he suggested we hang out (earlier time) comes around and he asks how my day went. I reply, asking him how is his car. Over an hour later he calls saying he can't drive his car. He doesn't want to cancel so he is going to try to find a car to borrow. Stupidly, I agree to this.

This is the SAME TRAP I have fallen in before! Just cancel when you need to cancel. Anyway.

Another FEW HOURS LATER he explains he is going to just try to fix his car, so hang out and wait. Stupidly, I do.

Another few hours later, what a surprise, it cannot be fixed. Sorry, need to reschedule. I really must have "big fucking moron" posted on my head. I always do this shit, get all sorts of pretty (aka actually apply makeup carefully and do my hair, including using PRODUCT for my hair *gasp*) and then bam, here I am all gussied up with nowhere to go.

It is amazing how I manage to find guy after guy that never seems to value my time.

For the record- date was officially bagged three hours after its start time.

Yup.

I really good excuse?

Readers are in luck! Two posts in A ROW, ON THE SAME DAY!

Today's disaster really started yesterday. I went out for cinco de mayo, and well, I indulged in maybe 5 too many alcoholic beverages. What do you expect, it is a drinking holiday! Wednesday I had a date lined up with a rather dashing guy.

I wake up Wednesday, so hungover I headed straight to the bathroom. I knew it was going to be bad when I woke up in bed not remembering how I got home or when I got home. All day I pretty much felt like I was dead. I called my partner in crime. She was the smart one that called out sick and spent her day puking in her own toilet. I on the other had was not as smart and sat at my desk basically in a coma.

Needless to say, when the room was spinning at noon for no reason, I knew I had to do the dirty deed of bailing. I texted him and said hey can we reschedule for tomorrow? I got a reply, sure thats fine call me later. I did and we set a date for today.

I was pretty upset because I had no idea what to wear. It was getting dangerously close to 6:30, our date time. I get a text message saying he had to take someone to the hospital, he would call me later. Selfishly I was like oh good now I have extra time! Yeah, I'm pretty awful at times.

I get ready now without stress. I actually look pretty ok for once. I sit and wait. And wait.

Over 2 hours later I get a call. He just said it was stressful, completely understandable. Oh and that he had just gone home. Which ok, FINE, I figured at much. It just would have been nice to know he was just going to go home before I sat here till almost 9pm to eat dinner with the sad and pathetic hopes that we would still go out. We rescheduled for next week sometime. I'm sure I'll have a great story then.

Afterall, I'm pretty sure this guy is gay and just doesn't realize it yet. Trust me, I have my reasons to believe this.

The secret redhead.

Well, right now I should be out on a date, but as usual, it was "canceled". I'll get to that later.

Now that I am back on the horrible dating wagon, I have tried the dreaded internet again. Why? When I go to bars I get wasted and make out with strangers. I pretty much never want to see those people again. Therefore- that avenue is out. Anyway...

The first guy I had started talking to when I got back into this whole scene was cute! Seemed pretty.. quirky, but hey I like quirky. Some of his messages made little sense, but I figured maybe it is a joke that is just WAYYY over my head. He had all sorts of pictures, all in black and white. I really couldn't tell what color hair he had. I assumed it looked like a light brown of sorts. We are supposed to hang out, and of course 2 hours before our date time, he texts me to say he can't hang out, he is sorry. He would have to reschedule (story of my life) and he was so so sooooo sorry.

Fine, as always, I give second chances.

We go out a few days later, a day date. It was during a heat wave so it was, oh 90 degrees out. I showed up to our meeting place and started to sweat within seconds of getting out of the cab. Awesome right? I am standing at the designated place and all of a sudden I hear someone talking to me uncomfortably close. I realize hey, it is my date.... and he has blazing red hair.

First, I would like to say I have nothing personal against red heads, other than the fact I don't want to date most of them. People like blondes, others various shades of brown...I like pretty much anything but red.

I was a bit startled, I guess I had never suspected. None the less, he was still pretty cute so I was like well he could very well possibly be the 3% of red heads I think are cute.

Our date lasted two hours. In this time I realized I was going out with a guy who may actually be a 12 year old trapped in a 30 year old's body. I had to resist the urge MULTIPLE times to tell him to stop it, don't touch that, be quite, or simply roll my eyes. His eyes darted every direction, like they couldn't look straight ahead. I think we had about 3053 topics in our 2 hour hang out. Every 5 seconds he would lead it into the complete opposite direction. I was exhausted from trying to keep up.

Despite all those things, there was still something somewhat endearing about him. I left the date completely confused and I had no idea of that was the worst date ever, or the start of a very strange relationship. He said he would call.

He never did. A few emails here and there, and some awkward conversation. I think if we hang out again it is safe to say it would be in the friends zone. Which is fine by me.

Dry spell

Sorry for the lack of posts. It is for my lack of dates. I decided to take a break after having a pretty horrible spell of jerks and mishaps. Now I am getting back into it and still finding the same old shit.

Back on the internet dating scene since I am still too retarded to act like a normal human around guys I think are hot in person.

Conclusion thus far: why the hell am I doing this to myself again?

I cast my net out and I started chatting with a few guys. One was going REALLY well! While he wasn't my normal type, I was like, well whatever maybe I should stop having a type. After a week of him not writing back I get a message. He met someone else and they were dating. That is totally fine. You snooze you lose! Womp womp womp.
The other guy that I was actually more excited about sent me a bizarre message. I don't exactly know how to take it. After a week of casual emailing he was like sorry I am over this, no offense against you but this whole internet dating thing hasn't been a pleasant experience. Um ok? See ya later dude.

Here I am back to square one. I have a dog, I often take to the park. Last week I started talking to a guy that wasn't wearing a wedding ring (for once) when our dogs were butt sniffing. Alas, the first second of silence I replied WELL WE BETTER BE GOING! God I am so smart. Needless to say I have been going back every day in the hopes our dogs will sniff butts again. I think I need to get a hobby.

Now is that sooooooo hard?!

Oh lately life has been busy with another group of total jerks. I have been pretty busy when not dealing with jerks, so sorry for the lack of updates.
One thing is really annoying the shit out of me tonight though.

I was ballsy enough to ask a guy out. Now, not just some random dude. A guy I know but i havent seen him for some time. I was like ooooo single?! He was always so cute. I asked him to hang out this week to catch up (makeout).

Now, guy could do a few things.

I would like for him to say yes, but if he does not want to hang out, ok fine.

I send the message. A few days later still nothing. I do some lurking. I know they have seen my message by this point.

Now boy, here is what you should have said. Hell, I'll even give you a few options.
1. Oh man, that would be great, but I'm busy that day. Maybe another time!
2. I'm out of town this week, maybe when I get back.
3. That day is no good, how about (enter day)

ok really the list can go on and on. Even if you use #1 or 2 I get the hint that you don't really want to hang out. I'd be all like "oh ok! let me know!" when I really know, you have no intentions of hanging out with me. That is FINE, I'd rather have that kinda hint then just blatenly ingoring me, asshole.