It has been a while..

The whole Christmas holiday thing kinda got in the way of my blogging. I hope everyone had a great holiday, no matter what you celebrate!

While I still have plenty of bad date stories up my sleeve I just wanted to add a quick side bar.

Lately, I have been trying this whole internet dating thing. I mean, I pretty much have always done it (since I am painfully shy when it comes to guys I see out and about and would rather eat worms than approach a stranger) but I go on kicks where I am really into it before I give up after many failures. ANYWAY- I signed up for a site and decided I would go out with every dude that asked me to, to a certain degree (like if they had no teeth I would say no thanks). Everyone I have gone out with so far have been nice, but ummm not a good fit.

This is my latest rant.

Did all the tape measures of the world disappear? Maybe there was a change in our measurement system? Last I checked- the answer to both of those were a resounding NO!

Why then, would you say you are taller than you actually are?! I am tall for a girl (I'm over 5'6 lets just say that) and so I generally look for guys that are 5'10 and above. Since when does 5'10 equate to 5'6??? I suck at math but I even know that doesn't make sense! I feel like guys, no matter how tall they REALLY are just are like 'oh yeah dude I'm totally 5'10. nah nah I haven't measured myself but I'm sure that is how tall I am.'

Do guys assume I won't know when I see them they are short?! I mean, I have dated dudes slightly shorter than me.. so I'm not a "hater"... I just would like a heads up. Boys, be up front. In fact, I'm going out with a dude later this week that I KNOW is 5'6 so therefore I am prepared.

Anyway, I'm sure that some terrible dates will arise soon that I can blog about instead of having to relive the past.

I'm still standing

Well lookie here. I was planning on making this blog about past disasters, but I seemed to have just created a new lovely memory tonight.
Eugene* is a dude I met online (because you know, I haven't met enough jerks online). First date= awesome. Second date= didn't happen. We made plans to hang out on a Wednesday and then I call at 7pm since I was tired of waiting around to find he had fallen asleep (seems to be a common theme with me...). I give him a second chance (stupid) but we had another great date. We plan a hang out for a third time, he has to work late and cancels. Fine. For some reason I STILL think this could work.

After a bunch of 'can you hang out this day' 'no' 'well how about this day' last night Eugene asked me to hang out today with his friends. He didn't know what the plan was yet (RED FLAG) but he would let me know today.
Again, it is 7pm. Long story short it boils down to he has an early day tomorrow and can he take a rain check.

Now, this is what I do not get. Why should I be calling you so YOU can cancel on me? Really dude? Basically you are saying 'my time is more valuable than yours, and you TOTALLY have time to just sit around and wait for me'.

Well guess what jerk # 932, I actually don't. Oh and I told him. Upon him asking for a rain check I simply replied "Well not if you are going to keep canceling last minute". I lot nicer than I actually wanted to be, but I guess I can't be as much of a bitch as I wish I could be.

Ok end rant (for now). More good bad first date/ jerkface stories from me over the weekend. Is it bad that I have enough material for at least 10 more posts?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I really learned the meaning of that phrase when I met Dwight*(can you tell I'm watching the office?). I met Dwight and had a fabulous first date. It lasted 7 hours and I didn't stop laughing or smiling the entire time. Plus before the date ended we had already planned our next date for 2 days later.

I should have known it was too good to be true. First mistake, I had forgotten my phone at home that day. He was supposed to pick me up from work so I wrote him an email saying to call me at work and gave him my work number. I got ready at work and patiently sat. I knew he had read the email. I waited and waited.
Finally, when he was a solid 30 minutes late I find the email with his phone number and call him. Turns out he is stuck at work late, and he had left me a voicemail on my cellphone. He said he should be out of work by like 7 or 8, so we would meet up then. I go home a little upset but still excited. I go home and then continue to wait there. It is almost 9 so I call him again, he was just leaving now. Great, thanks for the heads up. He would call me when he was close to the city and pick a place to meet.
Tick tock tick tock.
Before I know it, it is 11pm. I call him and leave him a voicemail saying basically don't bother I'm going to bed. Afterall, I had a flight to catch at 6am the next day. Nice.
I get a message the next day saying he had gone home, sat down, and fell asleep. Lovely. I give him the benefit of the doubt, afterall I should have just rescheduled when he knew he had to work late the FIRST time.
I get back from vacation and we go on a second date. It again, was great, and this time we had our first kiss. Of course I am all sorts of giddy.
We make plans for a few days later. He bails due to some reason that escapes me now. Reschedule for a week later. He was going out of town but knew he would be back by our next date. The day of the date rolls around and I hadn't heard from him for a while.
I text him asking what the deal for that night was, and he then informs me he was still away on business and would be flying back in a few hours. He would call me when he got in to hang out. I said fine, I'm going to dinner with friends (lie) and we can meet up when you get back.

That was the last I ever heard from him. I obviously gave him way too many chances, but it was only because I really thought it could be something.

As I said in the beginning of this story- now I really understand this saying.

Which bar?

I called out sick today and have been feeling like crap all day.
Since I am sick and can't concentrate on doing anything for more than 3 seconds, here is a short first date disaster!

I was meeting this dude from craigslist (sketchy, I know). We decided on a bar, and of course I got there like 5 minutes early because I hate walking in to someone already being there.
I sit down, get a drink. I am sitting and sitting. I sat for about 10 minutes, meaning this dude is 5 minutes late. Lateness irritates the shit out of me.
Finally I send a text message "Hey I'm sitting at the bar by the door when you walk in"
I get a message back "I'm sitting at the bar. I don't see you"

I ask the bartender what bar I was at. He told me, and I realize I am sitting at the wrong bar. The bar I was supposed to be at was next door on the second floor.

I then went up stairs and felt like a total moron. We laughed about it but that was definitely not the best first impression!

I know this story wasn't too horrible, but I thought it was funny. That is the kinda crap that happens to me all the time. Go figure.

Why you should never date a Taxidermist...

This dating tale left me speechless. Trust me, I am NEVER speechless! Thank you to one reader to share this horrible date!

I met a lot of interesting people when I worked in bars, but none left me as confused/amused/intrigued/disgusted as John.

When he first introduced himself to me, he was wasted and walked out on his tab. I was pissed and made his friend pick him up and bring him back (I made him leave his license behind). When he came back three hours later, he was even more trashed and didn't even tip on the $120 he'd walked out on. Charming. So of course when he asked me for my phone number, I obliged. Please, don't ask. I don't know why.

One of my coworkers, Emma, told me that she knew John (at the time I did not realize that what she actually meant was that she had known John) and that he was really cool, but was kind of hard to handle. I didn't know what she meant and I didn't ask... my second grave mistake in our short-lived little relationship. The first, obviously, was giving him my number in the first place.

He called about two weeks later, which I wasn't really bothered about because I was kind of seeing someone else at the time, and asked if I wanted to hang out. We agreed to watch a movie at my apartment (lame) and then go out. He showed up two hours late with an 18-pack of Busch beer on his shoulder, unapologetic and dressed way, way down. As I watched him drink beer after beer after BEER, I learned some really fantastic things about my awesome date. He was a hunter, a huge pickup driver (of course he was!), and a fucking taxidermist. For real.

Wait... let it sink in a little. A TAXIDERMIST.

Ok. So the movie ended, and he asked if I wanted to meet up with his friends. I actually knew a few of them from the bar so I went along out of curiosity, but once I was there I realized they were all just going to get loaded and tell deer hunting stories all night. Since I was stuck (John had driven us there in his huge truck), I decided that I should drink a lot.

This is where things get a little foggy... somewhere in there, I decided it would be a good idea to go home with John. Bad!!!! So, so embarrassing and awful. Again, please, don't ask. Not my finest hour.

Anyways, so we got to his house, which smelled of hot/wet dog (his hunting dog, I presume), and I committed my act of shame.

Still not bad enough?

Having sobered up a little, I texted my friend and begged him to PLEASE come pick me up. He made fun of me for awhile but eventually said yes, he would come to collect me. I did NOT want to deal with John, but I needed to get my pants from his side of the bed. I was trying to figure out how to get over him (as in ACROSS- I was technically over him the second I met him) when he abruptly stood and walked off to the bathroom. I panicked, but quickly realized he probably had no idea he was even walking and took advantage of the opportunity to lean down for my pants.

Only... my hand went into a puddle of water. Only, it wasn't water.
HE PEED THE BED. HE PEED THE BED.

HE PEED THE BED. Oh my God he peed the bed.

I didn't even get the rest of my clothes on properly... I just grabbed what was left and ran out the door.
My friend picked me up about five minutes later and made fun of me for the rest of his life.

"What were you thinking? He was a taxidermist."

The really glorious part was that when I went to work the next day, Emma was grilling me.

"What did you guys do? Where did you go? How much did he drink? Did you go to his house?"

It turned out she had done the exact same thing... with the exact same result. Only with her, it happened at HER house, and he threw his wet boxers into her closet and left.

I feel like I would be doing womankind a great disservice if I didn't leave them with the following warning-
Never, under any circumstance, should you ever, ever sleep with a drunk hunting bedwetting taxidermist named John. He's totally hot, and you will totally regret it.

One thing I will never understand is people peeing the bed over at 5. I have been black out drunk more times than I am willing to admit, but still manage to find a bathroom. This dude needs Depends.

Valentine's day

I stayed home tonight, and well I have nothing better to do but continue to rehash the past.

I have yet to have a romantic valentines day. The first one I *almost* had was back in 2003. I used to be a total message board whore. Between classes I had nothing better to do but post on various message boards and waste time. I'm glad I was though because I met countless people. Including "Cletus".

Cletus lived somewhere up north, about 7 hours via car. After talking he said he would come down and visit me for the valentines day weekend. I was so excited! I had the smallest dorm room ever but my roommate had found another place to stay since our room was only 2 feet bigger than a prison cell.

It was a Friday (I think) and I had to pick Cletus up at the bus station in center city. I drove into the city at noon to get him. He skipped school that day so that we could spend the whole evening together.
I get to the bus station early and wait.
The 4 o'clock bus comes in, he isn't there.
I wait.
The 5 o'clock bus comes in, he isn't there.
I try his phone. No answer, no voicemail (sound familiar?).
Before I know it the 6, 7 and 8 o'clock buses have come and gone (damn I sound pathetic!).
I get into my car, and just start bawling.

Really? Some freaking message board asshole just stood me up???? I call my friend who actually was friends with him also. I tell her he has stood me up. She was like do you have the right number??

At this point I was already 25 minutes outside of the city on my way back to school. I got back to school. After my friend messages some people, it turns out I didn't. He had given me his number when drunk and reversed some of the numbers.

I call the new number and he answers. I scream OH MY GOD WHERE ARE YOU????? He was like umm at the bus station in Philly waiting for you, where are you?
It turns out he was there on time.
Just at the bus station across the street.

I call my friend back and she goes to pick him up since at this point due to traffic it would take me over 45 minutes to get back to the city.

I go to meet him at our friend's apartment. I had managed to stop bawling long enough to look normal again.

I drive him back to my school and he tells me about his adventures in the bus station. Apparently he had gotten me flowers, but a homeless lady stole them from him.

We had a good weekend. Before global warming, Philly used to actually have weather. He actually got snowed in and stayed 2 days longer than expected.

Like two weeks later I find out that he was also talking to this girl from California and she moved across the country to be with him.

I guess that is a good reason why we never had a second date.

Stand up. Oh I don't mean stand up comedy.

Some of my favorite date stories just happen to involve me getting stood up!

This one happened way back in 2001. I honestly don't remember a lot of it because let's face it, my memory barely spans back a few hours let alone 7 years.

I met "Bart" through a friend of mine. Apparently after I left he told my friend he thought I was cute. We started talking online thanks to our mutual friend and one night we decided we were going out.

Back then I didn't have a car at school and I had to take public transportation into the city. Bart was from New Jersey and also didn't drive (niceeeee). The plan was I take the train to the city, he picks me up (his friend was driving him) and we go to a hardcore show (romantic I know). Did I mention Bart doesn't have a cell phone? He gave me his friend's phone number (the driver) so I could call when I got there and where I was.

I take the train ride into the city. It is November at this point, not exactly a breezy summer day. There I am, 18 and standing on the corner of 11th and Market streets in Philadelphia around 6pm. I call the number.

Funny, no answer. No voicemail.
I hang up and wait a few minutes.
Then I try again. Yeah, um no answer.
It is now 6:30.
At this point I'm getting concerned. I'm cold (of course I looked cute, not warm) and it is dark out.
Hey look its 7pm.
Now I am PISSED.
At this point I call the friend's number over and over. I let it ring for about 40 rings at a time then hang up and call again.
Yeah, its 8pm. I'm still standing at 11th and Market calling the same number over and over. At this point I'm crying. I give up. It is pretty clear I have been stood up.

Luckily, my best friend had a first date that night in the city and I totally crash it. What else are friends for?

Now this is the kicker.

About 2 weeks later I go to a show in New Jersey with the friend that had introduced Bart and I. She is introducing me to all her friends and every single person says the same thing.

"OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!! YOU'RE THAT GIRL BART LEFT IN CENTER CITY!"

After hearing this about 5 times, I feel like a mini celebrity. I guess I was his bragging right?

It was at this point that Bart comes to the show.

I proceed to say HEY ASSHOLE WAY TO LEAVE ME AT A TRAIN STATION. Like the crazy girl I am I do my best to yell at him and make him feel bad, but not to completely unleash my full on crazy.

He felt bad. I kicked him in the shin. He keels over. Then I said fine I forgive you, but we are never going out.

This was the first time I had gotten stood up. If only I knew it would happen, oh about 5 more times, I probably would have handled it better.

Story compliments of cwphotography

"Met a dude at a friends summer bbq. We talked all day and decided to share a cab to a bar and have a few drinks. Conversation was good and he was cute, so I was stoked. I decided to leave after about an hour, so he gave me a big hug and hailed me a cab. We texted for the rest of the night and into the next day.

The next day he asked if I wanted to go to the movies after I got done work, and of course I said yes. I met him in Old City and we ate some pizza, which he paid for. Then we walked over to Triumph because he had these free drink cards. They didn't accept the cards, but we stayed anyway. I can't remember who paid for the drinks, I think we split the bill.

We didn't have much time to get to the movie, so we got a cab to Riverview. We were around Washington Ave when the cab hit $5. He said, "We'll walk from here." and I laughed and said I would paid the extra couple of bucks it would take us to get to the theater. I ended up paying for the entire cab ride.

We got in line for the movies and I took out my wallet, thinking he would say some thing like, "Oh, no I got it." instead he asked, "Are you sure?" So, I paid for my ticket... to Ironman, a movie that I didn't even want to see.

We got inside and he bought popcorn. I ate almost all of it. Ha! As the movie started, he got snugly. A little too snugly, since he ended up falling asleep on my shoulder.

When the movie was over, he tried kissing me. I politely told him that it was getting late. We walked outside and I said, "Damn, I don't have cash for a cab. I have to find an ATM." thinking that he would offer to give me a $20 so that I could get home safely. Instead he said, "I'm sure the cab will have a credit card machine."

I called a cab, gave him a hug and watched him skateboard away. I called my best friend immediately and bitched about how horrible my night was. The cab driver laughed and felt bad for me after hearing how terrible dude was. It took him 2 weeks to text me after our "date".

I've ignored every text and myspace message since."

You can check out her awesome blog at:
http://cw3283.blogspot.com/

He made what?

I have a knack for finding guys with weird occupations.
This one is a guy who just happened to make fishing poles at a fishing pole factory for a living. I really wish that I was kidding...

From about the time I was 18 until about 23, I'll admit it. I was a total drunk. I was in college (and then a year or two out) and I really loved drinking, dancing, and making out with random dudes. You will notice a theme of: drunk, weird jobs, jobless period, and losers.


One night I was at one of my favorite bars, three sheets to the wind.
That night I made out with two guys (my class is incomprehensible I know).
Guy #1- the guy who fell over a bike. He was hot, but knew that. My friends told me the next morning he was so drunk he fell over a bike.
Guy #2- yellow shirt guy. He was wearing a yellow shirt and wasn't as hot, but was very nice.

The next morning I see I have a new phone number in my cell phone. I knew it had to be guy #1 or 2. Which? Who knows.
A day or two later I have a few drinks and decide to text mystery man. I apparently say "where are you". I don't get a reply till the next day saying "I am here". I panic, assuming I made a date when I was drunk. I call mystery guy and we set up a date for the following day.

I meet up with Andy*. It took me a subway ride to a kinda bad part of the city. I see him standing on the platform. It was yellow shirt guy, not bike guy. Which was ok, bike guy would have probably been a bigger asshole anyway.

We walk to a cafe only to find it closed. At this point I can see he is panicking, it is kinda sad, I feel bad! I suggest this great bar that had 500 types of beer. We hop back on the subway and head to the bar.
We get dinner. I get potatoe pancakes and 2 beers. Andy gets this plate of meat (no really, like 4 types of sausages) and some beers. Basically the whole time it is a little awkward. He is really nice,and would make a great friend.

The bill comes. Our total is $63. I can see small beads of sweat forming on his forehead. I kindly offer to pay for my part. He instantly says OK! I only have my card, so he gives me cash. In the end I have not only paid for my meal, but over half of his.
We take the subway back, I get off at my stop and basically run.

A few days later he calls me to see if I was interested in getting together to trade music. As I listen to the voicemail I just laugh uncontrollably. He was so clueless and nice. I never called him back.

Oh Andy, I hope you are doing well in these tough economic times. After all, I'm not too sure how many people are buying fishing rods.

*Andy's real name isn't Andy. Since I am changing everyone's names I figured I should name them in alphbetical order. The alphabet starts with A so Andy it is

Welcome!

Well to say that dating at 25 is tough is an understatement. Sure it could be easy if you are a super hot millionaire that just also happens to be really smart and can spot gold diggers from 430 miles away...BUT for the rest of us, not so much.

I decided to start this blog for two reasons.
1. To relive some of my worst dates and maybe learn from them
2. So someone can laugh along with me at my horrendous dating woes

Basics.
I live in Philadelphia.
I am 25.
College educated.
Independent.
Funny.
Horrible speller.
Average build.
Kinda hot, sometimes more than others, but overall not too shabby looking.
Number of boyfriends?
um..none.

So I will start the journey of awful dates as I remember. Spelling errors and all.

I also want to hear from you! Please send me your tales of that date that was just so bad your friends thought you made it up.

With all that said, names have been changed to protect ...hey wait a minute...do I really want to be protecting in these jerks? Ah well I guess I should, after all, unlike most of them I do have a heart.