I love weird occupations.

I had a flashback today of my drunk days.

Once I was at a club and I found a dude half way through the night I found a pretty cute boy to dance with. A little bit later I found myself making out with said stranger for ... a few hours... in the corner of a dark club. Sexy!

We emerge from the club around 2:30am. I get into the "day light" aka street lap light and I was like wait... this dude is kind of gross...

We go to get some food at a local diner so he can sober up to drive home (smart). We go to a diner and I realize, wow he kind of looks like a caveman. For me to realize this drunk should say enough, because I basically have negative standards when intoxicated.

I ask him what he does. He replies- I make marching band uniforms.

What?!

Yes, he worked at a manufacturing company that makes marching band uniforms. He drove back to wherever he came form that night and never saw him again. I do have the bragging rights though of making out with a dude that made many a high schoolers complete dorks.

Expanding this lil operation...

In addition to horrible dates/ funny dates I think I want to just vent about some of the REALLY stupid things boys do to ruin dates.

I'd like to start with a horrifying moment I had recently on a date. I'm just going to have to just blurt out and say it.

Meant in what I am sure was a flirtations way, dude pinched my muffin top (or spare tire, whichever you like).

Who knows if the guy realized he was essentially pinching the one area of my body most girls hate, especially me, and digging his fingers into my fat roll. THANKS DUDE, I only spent 45 minutes picking out a shirt that strategically hid my muffin top. You basically just ruined all of my progress.

I told 2 of my friends about this. One completely understood that it is NEVER ok to touch a girl in that area, while the other one didn't see the big deal. While every girl is different, I personally am not 100% happy about my weight and the last thing I want is a dude point out my problem areas!

The following went through my head:
Was he just thinking I'm a lot fatter than I look?
Was he so grossed out that he kind of had more skin to pinch than maybe he thought?
Did he even realize what he was doing??

I went to a trusted guy friend to ask his advice. He has been in a relationship for a long time and is getting hitched in a few weeks. He said he would never do that, but if he ever did he wouldn't be thinking OMG FAT! He did warn me however, his single guy friends would. Basically, it could go either way.

It doesn't matter in the end because I was so horrified by this seemingly innocent gesture of flirtation I just wanted to run and never turn back. I went to go flip out (natural reaction) but when I turned around he had gone to run across the street to pet some dogs. Cool.

Lesson be learned: wait at least until you have been dating like, um, 40 years before you try that stunt again.

Watching grass grow would have been way more fun

In the past few days I have been on a dating spree! Well, it was only a matter of time before I had a truly terrible date.

I will put forth this disclaimer: I feel really terrible for even retelling this story because he seems like a very nice boy...but it is too good to not talk about! I'm even leaving out some details, because really I don't feel like being a huge bitch today, just a medium sized one.

I decided it was a smart idea to go out with this bartender. He has greater aspirations in life but you know that whole economy tanking thing put a kink into that plan. Let's call this one Harry. To my luck Harry couldn't meet till later in the night, which meant I could go out with my friends before hand. I met up with my friends at a bar close to the one I was meeting him at and had a few beers. I felt a little bit looser, which is good I guess. I go to the bar at our time and sit alone drinking while I wait for him to come. I glance out the window and I see this incredibly awkward guy trying to get stuff out of his bag. I think to myself "aw poor guy". Then I see him walk into the bar, and to my horror that kid I just felt pity upon was my date.

I slink a little lower into my seat. my mind races, how the hell do I get out of this one. I figured there was no polite way out and I was stuck. He eventually finds me practically hiding under the bar. It was kinda not what I expected at all. Ok I will give him the fact that he didn't lie about his height! Thankfully... but that didn't compensate for the horrid haircut and - um- how do I put this delicately- not so hot complexion? Being the eternal optimist that I am, I think to myself, all completely fixable.

What wasn't fixable was his personality. That night I found my napkin more entertaining. I tried really hard to focus on what he was saying. Maybe it was the 2 beers I had before he came that made me want to be entertained more so than usual..but I think not.
For the first time in my life I found myself thinking about how bored I was. I noticed how his mouth was moving but I wasn't registering a damn thing. I thought, hm I wonder if he notices the completely blank stare at my face. If he does, I wonder how long it will be till he stops. When I wasn't busy having a one sided conversation he was busy talking to a pal that happened to be there. I just kinda sat that awkwardly smiling pretending like I could hear what the hell they were saying.
As the night wore on and I counted down the seconds till it was ok for me to bolt, a dashing guy wandered into the bar. I'm not one to really date pretty boys, but boy he was pretty! Then, he comes up to me! He asks me if he could have some of my food. I was like oh its not mine, its his. At this point he noticed Ii wasn't sitting there alone and he asked Harry if it was ok to take it. Harry was like yeah sure! Dreamboat laughed, looked at me, looked at him and asked if I was his date. At this point Harry adamantly denied and we were just friends (whew, but at the same time, hey!). Dreamboat then told me I had gorgeous eyes, and me being stuck in a weird spot just giggled and said thanks. Dreamboat then left, after not only stealing Harry's food, but attempting to steal his date. I cursed my situation for the next 15 minutes in my head. I'm not sure if Harry even spoke during that time. Finally it was ok for me to leave without being a bitch and I bolted faster than a dog chasing a squirrel.

I went home and deleted my online dating profile. I'm done! Not out of stories quite yet though...

Sometimes you should just say no

There are many things in this world that can prevent a date. However, most you can see will stop a date and you should PROBABLY let your date know about said thing.

Tonight was attempted first date #2 with the guy who I posted about in the last post. I guess I should give him a name. I forget what letter I am on so I'm just going to go with Frank.

Last night Frank was telling me about his car acting weird. I of course am like yeah ok whatever. We made plans to go out tonight. I get a text message in the morning saying he has to go to get his car fixed, can we hang out earlier? No, I can't, let me know if you need to reschedule.

The time he suggested we hang out (earlier time) comes around and he asks how my day went. I reply, asking him how is his car. Over an hour later he calls saying he can't drive his car. He doesn't want to cancel so he is going to try to find a car to borrow. Stupidly, I agree to this.

This is the SAME TRAP I have fallen in before! Just cancel when you need to cancel. Anyway.

Another FEW HOURS LATER he explains he is going to just try to fix his car, so hang out and wait. Stupidly, I do.

Another few hours later, what a surprise, it cannot be fixed. Sorry, need to reschedule. I really must have "big fucking moron" posted on my head. I always do this shit, get all sorts of pretty (aka actually apply makeup carefully and do my hair, including using PRODUCT for my hair *gasp*) and then bam, here I am all gussied up with nowhere to go.

It is amazing how I manage to find guy after guy that never seems to value my time.

For the record- date was officially bagged three hours after its start time.

Yup.

I really good excuse?

Readers are in luck! Two posts in A ROW, ON THE SAME DAY!

Today's disaster really started yesterday. I went out for cinco de mayo, and well, I indulged in maybe 5 too many alcoholic beverages. What do you expect, it is a drinking holiday! Wednesday I had a date lined up with a rather dashing guy.

I wake up Wednesday, so hungover I headed straight to the bathroom. I knew it was going to be bad when I woke up in bed not remembering how I got home or when I got home. All day I pretty much felt like I was dead. I called my partner in crime. She was the smart one that called out sick and spent her day puking in her own toilet. I on the other had was not as smart and sat at my desk basically in a coma.

Needless to say, when the room was spinning at noon for no reason, I knew I had to do the dirty deed of bailing. I texted him and said hey can we reschedule for tomorrow? I got a reply, sure thats fine call me later. I did and we set a date for today.

I was pretty upset because I had no idea what to wear. It was getting dangerously close to 6:30, our date time. I get a text message saying he had to take someone to the hospital, he would call me later. Selfishly I was like oh good now I have extra time! Yeah, I'm pretty awful at times.

I get ready now without stress. I actually look pretty ok for once. I sit and wait. And wait.

Over 2 hours later I get a call. He just said it was stressful, completely understandable. Oh and that he had just gone home. Which ok, FINE, I figured at much. It just would have been nice to know he was just going to go home before I sat here till almost 9pm to eat dinner with the sad and pathetic hopes that we would still go out. We rescheduled for next week sometime. I'm sure I'll have a great story then.

Afterall, I'm pretty sure this guy is gay and just doesn't realize it yet. Trust me, I have my reasons to believe this.

The secret redhead.

Well, right now I should be out on a date, but as usual, it was "canceled". I'll get to that later.

Now that I am back on the horrible dating wagon, I have tried the dreaded internet again. Why? When I go to bars I get wasted and make out with strangers. I pretty much never want to see those people again. Therefore- that avenue is out. Anyway...

The first guy I had started talking to when I got back into this whole scene was cute! Seemed pretty.. quirky, but hey I like quirky. Some of his messages made little sense, but I figured maybe it is a joke that is just WAYYY over my head. He had all sorts of pictures, all in black and white. I really couldn't tell what color hair he had. I assumed it looked like a light brown of sorts. We are supposed to hang out, and of course 2 hours before our date time, he texts me to say he can't hang out, he is sorry. He would have to reschedule (story of my life) and he was so so sooooo sorry.

Fine, as always, I give second chances.

We go out a few days later, a day date. It was during a heat wave so it was, oh 90 degrees out. I showed up to our meeting place and started to sweat within seconds of getting out of the cab. Awesome right? I am standing at the designated place and all of a sudden I hear someone talking to me uncomfortably close. I realize hey, it is my date.... and he has blazing red hair.

First, I would like to say I have nothing personal against red heads, other than the fact I don't want to date most of them. People like blondes, others various shades of brown...I like pretty much anything but red.

I was a bit startled, I guess I had never suspected. None the less, he was still pretty cute so I was like well he could very well possibly be the 3% of red heads I think are cute.

Our date lasted two hours. In this time I realized I was going out with a guy who may actually be a 12 year old trapped in a 30 year old's body. I had to resist the urge MULTIPLE times to tell him to stop it, don't touch that, be quite, or simply roll my eyes. His eyes darted every direction, like they couldn't look straight ahead. I think we had about 3053 topics in our 2 hour hang out. Every 5 seconds he would lead it into the complete opposite direction. I was exhausted from trying to keep up.

Despite all those things, there was still something somewhat endearing about him. I left the date completely confused and I had no idea of that was the worst date ever, or the start of a very strange relationship. He said he would call.

He never did. A few emails here and there, and some awkward conversation. I think if we hang out again it is safe to say it would be in the friends zone. Which is fine by me.