Dry spell

Sorry for the lack of posts. It is for my lack of dates. I decided to take a break after having a pretty horrible spell of jerks and mishaps. Now I am getting back into it and still finding the same old shit.

Back on the internet dating scene since I am still too retarded to act like a normal human around guys I think are hot in person.

Conclusion thus far: why the hell am I doing this to myself again?

I cast my net out and I started chatting with a few guys. One was going REALLY well! While he wasn't my normal type, I was like, well whatever maybe I should stop having a type. After a week of him not writing back I get a message. He met someone else and they were dating. That is totally fine. You snooze you lose! Womp womp womp.
The other guy that I was actually more excited about sent me a bizarre message. I don't exactly know how to take it. After a week of casual emailing he was like sorry I am over this, no offense against you but this whole internet dating thing hasn't been a pleasant experience. Um ok? See ya later dude.

Here I am back to square one. I have a dog, I often take to the park. Last week I started talking to a guy that wasn't wearing a wedding ring (for once) when our dogs were butt sniffing. Alas, the first second of silence I replied WELL WE BETTER BE GOING! God I am so smart. Needless to say I have been going back every day in the hopes our dogs will sniff butts again. I think I need to get a hobby.

Now is that sooooooo hard?!

Oh lately life has been busy with another group of total jerks. I have been pretty busy when not dealing with jerks, so sorry for the lack of updates.
One thing is really annoying the shit out of me tonight though.

I was ballsy enough to ask a guy out. Now, not just some random dude. A guy I know but i havent seen him for some time. I was like ooooo single?! He was always so cute. I asked him to hang out this week to catch up (makeout).

Now, guy could do a few things.

I would like for him to say yes, but if he does not want to hang out, ok fine.

I send the message. A few days later still nothing. I do some lurking. I know they have seen my message by this point.

Now boy, here is what you should have said. Hell, I'll even give you a few options.
1. Oh man, that would be great, but I'm busy that day. Maybe another time!
2. I'm out of town this week, maybe when I get back.
3. That day is no good, how about (enter day)

ok really the list can go on and on. Even if you use #1 or 2 I get the hint that you don't really want to hang out. I'd be all like "oh ok! let me know!" when I really know, you have no intentions of hanging out with me. That is FINE, I'd rather have that kinda hint then just blatenly ingoring me, asshole.

It has been a while..

The whole Christmas holiday thing kinda got in the way of my blogging. I hope everyone had a great holiday, no matter what you celebrate!

While I still have plenty of bad date stories up my sleeve I just wanted to add a quick side bar.

Lately, I have been trying this whole internet dating thing. I mean, I pretty much have always done it (since I am painfully shy when it comes to guys I see out and about and would rather eat worms than approach a stranger) but I go on kicks where I am really into it before I give up after many failures. ANYWAY- I signed up for a site and decided I would go out with every dude that asked me to, to a certain degree (like if they had no teeth I would say no thanks). Everyone I have gone out with so far have been nice, but ummm not a good fit.

This is my latest rant.

Did all the tape measures of the world disappear? Maybe there was a change in our measurement system? Last I checked- the answer to both of those were a resounding NO!

Why then, would you say you are taller than you actually are?! I am tall for a girl (I'm over 5'6 lets just say that) and so I generally look for guys that are 5'10 and above. Since when does 5'10 equate to 5'6??? I suck at math but I even know that doesn't make sense! I feel like guys, no matter how tall they REALLY are just are like 'oh yeah dude I'm totally 5'10. nah nah I haven't measured myself but I'm sure that is how tall I am.'

Do guys assume I won't know when I see them they are short?! I mean, I have dated dudes slightly shorter than me.. so I'm not a "hater"... I just would like a heads up. Boys, be up front. In fact, I'm going out with a dude later this week that I KNOW is 5'6 so therefore I am prepared.

Anyway, I'm sure that some terrible dates will arise soon that I can blog about instead of having to relive the past.

I'm still standing

Well lookie here. I was planning on making this blog about past disasters, but I seemed to have just created a new lovely memory tonight.
Eugene* is a dude I met online (because you know, I haven't met enough jerks online). First date= awesome. Second date= didn't happen. We made plans to hang out on a Wednesday and then I call at 7pm since I was tired of waiting around to find he had fallen asleep (seems to be a common theme with me...). I give him a second chance (stupid) but we had another great date. We plan a hang out for a third time, he has to work late and cancels. Fine. For some reason I STILL think this could work.

After a bunch of 'can you hang out this day' 'no' 'well how about this day' last night Eugene asked me to hang out today with his friends. He didn't know what the plan was yet (RED FLAG) but he would let me know today.
Again, it is 7pm. Long story short it boils down to he has an early day tomorrow and can he take a rain check.

Now, this is what I do not get. Why should I be calling you so YOU can cancel on me? Really dude? Basically you are saying 'my time is more valuable than yours, and you TOTALLY have time to just sit around and wait for me'.

Well guess what jerk # 932, I actually don't. Oh and I told him. Upon him asking for a rain check I simply replied "Well not if you are going to keep canceling last minute". I lot nicer than I actually wanted to be, but I guess I can't be as much of a bitch as I wish I could be.

Ok end rant (for now). More good bad first date/ jerkface stories from me over the weekend. Is it bad that I have enough material for at least 10 more posts?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I really learned the meaning of that phrase when I met Dwight*(can you tell I'm watching the office?). I met Dwight and had a fabulous first date. It lasted 7 hours and I didn't stop laughing or smiling the entire time. Plus before the date ended we had already planned our next date for 2 days later.

I should have known it was too good to be true. First mistake, I had forgotten my phone at home that day. He was supposed to pick me up from work so I wrote him an email saying to call me at work and gave him my work number. I got ready at work and patiently sat. I knew he had read the email. I waited and waited.
Finally, when he was a solid 30 minutes late I find the email with his phone number and call him. Turns out he is stuck at work late, and he had left me a voicemail on my cellphone. He said he should be out of work by like 7 or 8, so we would meet up then. I go home a little upset but still excited. I go home and then continue to wait there. It is almost 9 so I call him again, he was just leaving now. Great, thanks for the heads up. He would call me when he was close to the city and pick a place to meet.
Tick tock tick tock.
Before I know it, it is 11pm. I call him and leave him a voicemail saying basically don't bother I'm going to bed. Afterall, I had a flight to catch at 6am the next day. Nice.
I get a message the next day saying he had gone home, sat down, and fell asleep. Lovely. I give him the benefit of the doubt, afterall I should have just rescheduled when he knew he had to work late the FIRST time.
I get back from vacation and we go on a second date. It again, was great, and this time we had our first kiss. Of course I am all sorts of giddy.
We make plans for a few days later. He bails due to some reason that escapes me now. Reschedule for a week later. He was going out of town but knew he would be back by our next date. The day of the date rolls around and I hadn't heard from him for a while.
I text him asking what the deal for that night was, and he then informs me he was still away on business and would be flying back in a few hours. He would call me when he got in to hang out. I said fine, I'm going to dinner with friends (lie) and we can meet up when you get back.

That was the last I ever heard from him. I obviously gave him way too many chances, but it was only because I really thought it could be something.

As I said in the beginning of this story- now I really understand this saying.

Which bar?

I called out sick today and have been feeling like crap all day.
Since I am sick and can't concentrate on doing anything for more than 3 seconds, here is a short first date disaster!

I was meeting this dude from craigslist (sketchy, I know). We decided on a bar, and of course I got there like 5 minutes early because I hate walking in to someone already being there.
I sit down, get a drink. I am sitting and sitting. I sat for about 10 minutes, meaning this dude is 5 minutes late. Lateness irritates the shit out of me.
Finally I send a text message "Hey I'm sitting at the bar by the door when you walk in"
I get a message back "I'm sitting at the bar. I don't see you"

I ask the bartender what bar I was at. He told me, and I realize I am sitting at the wrong bar. The bar I was supposed to be at was next door on the second floor.

I then went up stairs and felt like a total moron. We laughed about it but that was definitely not the best first impression!

I know this story wasn't too horrible, but I thought it was funny. That is the kinda crap that happens to me all the time. Go figure.

Why you should never date a Taxidermist...

This dating tale left me speechless. Trust me, I am NEVER speechless! Thank you to one reader to share this horrible date!

I met a lot of interesting people when I worked in bars, but none left me as confused/amused/intrigued/disgusted as John.

When he first introduced himself to me, he was wasted and walked out on his tab. I was pissed and made his friend pick him up and bring him back (I made him leave his license behind). When he came back three hours later, he was even more trashed and didn't even tip on the $120 he'd walked out on. Charming. So of course when he asked me for my phone number, I obliged. Please, don't ask. I don't know why.

One of my coworkers, Emma, told me that she knew John (at the time I did not realize that what she actually meant was that she had known John) and that he was really cool, but was kind of hard to handle. I didn't know what she meant and I didn't ask... my second grave mistake in our short-lived little relationship. The first, obviously, was giving him my number in the first place.

He called about two weeks later, which I wasn't really bothered about because I was kind of seeing someone else at the time, and asked if I wanted to hang out. We agreed to watch a movie at my apartment (lame) and then go out. He showed up two hours late with an 18-pack of Busch beer on his shoulder, unapologetic and dressed way, way down. As I watched him drink beer after beer after BEER, I learned some really fantastic things about my awesome date. He was a hunter, a huge pickup driver (of course he was!), and a fucking taxidermist. For real.

Wait... let it sink in a little. A TAXIDERMIST.

Ok. So the movie ended, and he asked if I wanted to meet up with his friends. I actually knew a few of them from the bar so I went along out of curiosity, but once I was there I realized they were all just going to get loaded and tell deer hunting stories all night. Since I was stuck (John had driven us there in his huge truck), I decided that I should drink a lot.

This is where things get a little foggy... somewhere in there, I decided it would be a good idea to go home with John. Bad!!!! So, so embarrassing and awful. Again, please, don't ask. Not my finest hour.

Anyways, so we got to his house, which smelled of hot/wet dog (his hunting dog, I presume), and I committed my act of shame.

Still not bad enough?

Having sobered up a little, I texted my friend and begged him to PLEASE come pick me up. He made fun of me for awhile but eventually said yes, he would come to collect me. I did NOT want to deal with John, but I needed to get my pants from his side of the bed. I was trying to figure out how to get over him (as in ACROSS- I was technically over him the second I met him) when he abruptly stood and walked off to the bathroom. I panicked, but quickly realized he probably had no idea he was even walking and took advantage of the opportunity to lean down for my pants.

Only... my hand went into a puddle of water. Only, it wasn't water.
HE PEED THE BED. HE PEED THE BED.

HE PEED THE BED. Oh my God he peed the bed.

I didn't even get the rest of my clothes on properly... I just grabbed what was left and ran out the door.
My friend picked me up about five minutes later and made fun of me for the rest of his life.

"What were you thinking? He was a taxidermist."

The really glorious part was that when I went to work the next day, Emma was grilling me.

"What did you guys do? Where did you go? How much did he drink? Did you go to his house?"

It turned out she had done the exact same thing... with the exact same result. Only with her, it happened at HER house, and he threw his wet boxers into her closet and left.

I feel like I would be doing womankind a great disservice if I didn't leave them with the following warning-
Never, under any circumstance, should you ever, ever sleep with a drunk hunting bedwetting taxidermist named John. He's totally hot, and you will totally regret it.

One thing I will never understand is people peeing the bed over at 5. I have been black out drunk more times than I am willing to admit, but still manage to find a bathroom. This dude needs Depends.